Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings

I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.

I do want to see supervillain origin stories as films. But not the tragic event that forever warped their minds.
I want to see them, like, a few days after they decided to become villains and start trying to source goons, try out costume themes, real organizational stuff.

I hope I’m not overthinking this.

(six days later)

Nah I’m probably not.

My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.

I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up

I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.

girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears

A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…

Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read

Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS

Emergency training complete

[Origins…]

BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?

ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?

ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!

MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.

my buddy told me he was on a plane and they were like “is there a doctor on board” and he was like “im a paramedic” and they were like “no it’s ok we found a DOCTOR” and the doctor was like “uhhh i haven’t examined a patient since med school can we please bring the paramedic”

anyways turns out the person was just sleeping so everything was fine

them: is that a real sword

me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy

Me: Clean your room.
Daughter: Won’t
Me: Do your homework.
Daughter: Can’t
Me: I’m taking your phone then.
Daughter: DON’T

16 years later & the contractions are still coming every 10 seconds

Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.

It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.

And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.

[commercial for pants]

*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*

There has to be a better way!

Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.

[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?

Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!

You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.

Twitter showing me Versace ads like I didn’t just bring a cheese slice in my purse to Five Guys so I wouldn’t have to pay extra for it.

“I have toddler-like reflexes.”

“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”

*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*

“No.”

burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh

Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.

Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.

My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.