“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
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Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
People are always saying “not today, Satan” but what if we just hear him out
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time