“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
You Might Also Like
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
I love you to the refrigerator and back
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
wtf is an acronym
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?