Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I only look at Wordle for the articles

*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*

Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.

Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…

and he says, “prolly.”

Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.

ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?

Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get

every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.

Spent the entire day milking a single almond.

My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.

i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip

Goodnight honey.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

The stork flies them in.

“Why’s it take 9 months?”

Wind resistance. Go to sleep.

Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!

I am not a strong enough person to listen to my parents eat cereal

Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens

… I think my cough medicine expired

iPhone X

I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.

[bank]

Associate: are you here to take out a loan?

Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident

“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”

I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you

Yesterday our friend couldn’t make it tho the bar so instead of canceling they sent one of their other friends, which none of us have ever met, to replace them. You can do that? We are allowed to send in substitutes???

The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.

Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed the road, and walked into a bar.

My life is a joke.

So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?

People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.

If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.

Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish

Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.

Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.

A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.