I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
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*gets up from couch after laying on it with eyes closed for 30 minutes*
Me: I’m going to take a nap.
Husband: Wasn’t that just what you were doing?
Me: That was a pre-nap. Time for the real thing.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
And that about sums it up.
What flavor cupcake are these
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
Home is where your toilet is.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
Nothing is hungrier than a Roomba that sees a charger cord.
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.