I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
You Might Also Like
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
reminder
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
how much for the angry fruit?
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
Most fashion shows these days…
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left