I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
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channeling her this year
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Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
Modded the new Gran Turismo
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Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
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the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
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growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
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My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that