I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
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Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
had some friends over this afternoon. they said aloud they should be going “in ten minutes or so” and my 9 year old looked at them and then asked google to set a timer for 10 minutes
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
#Caturday
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.