I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
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astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*