I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
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I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
If you live in Tampa, evacuate. Your life is in danger.
If you live on Earth, evacuate. Your life is in danger.
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
It’s so funny how fast you adapt. Literally four months after ending a twelve-year run of going to school for seven hours a day you’re like “wait, I have THREE classes today?! Is that legal?!”
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
My child just threatened to never watch tv again and I can’t decide if he’s really bad or really good at threats.
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks