I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
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You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*