I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
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Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it