Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
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Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
*scroll*
*scroll*
*scroll*
[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
*scroll*
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*scroll*
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow