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(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
Well, when ppl tell my “Happy birthday” I reflexively tell them “Happy birthday” back, if that makes you feel any better
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
Jogging
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*