I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
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“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
We got our carpet cleaned today, so I’m just waiting for the dog to throw up
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
You can’t outrun your problems…
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
Can’t stop laughing
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
Authorities claim that a Canadian company is at the centre of an international pyramid scheme. The company hasn’t responded to the accusation, but they did ask two people to respond for them, and each one asked two people to respond for *them*, and so on.
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”