I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
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I started to call my friend “bro” but decided mid-word to switch to “dude” so it came out as “boo” and there’s just no recovering from that
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
Me to the bartender: When you asked me if I wouldn’t mind some head I thought you meant…
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
“the angry hot sky ball is gone…”
🖤🤣
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
Brussels sprouts were invented by big cabbage to sell little cabbages.
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
I got soap in my shower beer again.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
I don’t always carry all the groceries on one arm, but when I do, my keys are in the wrong pocket…
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.