I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
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spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
house sitting!
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.