@Vice_Queen

I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.

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@PetrickSara

There are 2 kinds of parents

“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”

and

“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”

@mom_ontherocks

My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy

@PinkCamoTO

I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.

@grandpa

pilots on spirit airlines will walk into the cabin mid flight and ask you to venmo them gas money

@JennyPentland

“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.

@lilgapeach30

Make fun of my footy pajamas if you must, but all you naked sleepers are gonna be up shit creek if your house catches on fire in the night.

@treydayway

I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.

@Marlebean

Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens

… I think my cough medicine expired

@hpb777

Rapunzel is my favorite fairy tale about a woman who finds happiness when a man pulls her hair.

@bjaynash

Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.