Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.

Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.

I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.

80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.

Yoga Matt

A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.

Women out here dating guys with three felonies

but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.

The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss

By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%

People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”

Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body

No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED

[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian

I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.

me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans

friend: I love your cookies

me: it’s a secret family recipe

friend: wow

me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family

Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.

At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.

[at Super Bowl party]

Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK

Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow

Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*

COP: Oh dang

This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies

The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.

How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?

customer: have you worked here a long time

me, a waiter: 14 years sir

customer: wow ok what do you recommend

me: finishing college

My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.

me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train

conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK

The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.

And we’re off! To an unreasonable start