Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”

Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.

I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.

I went to a school that was so posh, the gym was called James.

My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.

[first date]

Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?

Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*

[Putting on a fitted sheet]

Me: Dammit this is the short side.

Me: This is somehow also the short side.

This is the greatest and I won’t hear otherwise.

Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview

*Texting with my wife while she’s out*

Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !

Me: YOU’RE *

Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok

[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks

Studies show that men born between the 1st and the 31st day of the month are sexier than the others.

The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles

Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.

HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same

I have two selves:

One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.

Her: I’m a sapiophile

Me: I don’t know what that is

Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence

Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too

*crossing the River Styx*
Me: Shouldn’t we be wearing some kind of flotation device?
Ferryman: You’re already dead, so, no. And this time of year the river is gravy.
Me:*jumps in with mouth open*
Ferryman: Americans. They always fall for that

Got a new high score on my bathroom scale

I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??

John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down

Fighting on twitter be like 🤣

Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?

“Come out of your shell” they said

*2 minutes later*

“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”

When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑

When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.

Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?

Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?

Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?

Deacon: How do you feel about knives?

I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.

Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”