Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.

COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang

Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.

Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.

No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.

Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.

I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.

Get in, there’s no time to explain.

“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.

“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer

3yo: why do you have to die one day?

Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.

[Preparing for a heist]

Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?

Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo

You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.

How can I say no to this ?

On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”

waiter: would you like a table?

me: yes, the multiplication please

Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.

Let’s Go

It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.

[talent show audition]

Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night

Judge: whose lips are those?

Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.

[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.

[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there

“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.

I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.

My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.

My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.

Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it

Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.