I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
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Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
❤️
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.