Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭

People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.

Waiter: would you like a water?

Me: ew, gross.

Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?

Me: tempting.

Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?

Me: [nods] indeed.

her: i hate ultimatums

me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.

boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time

If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.

It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers

I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos

Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes

Leaving hotel: just don’t kill anybody but if you do take the body please. But it’s ok if you don’t

“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director

pictures of spider-man

I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.

HER: DM me later, okay?

ME: Okay.

*later*

ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.

My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.

Today, I want to talk about underperforming continents. Antarctica, explain yourself.

If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.

“eat what’s in season” the health people said

Me:

Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.

Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god.  Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.

I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.

He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!

#jokes

I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”

me: i like baseball.

man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season

I met my wife at a singles night

I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids

My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.

job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness

me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage

I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.

Husband “I thought you were dieting?”

Me “I am”

Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”

Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”

Me: Do you need a sample?

Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat

Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste

Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it

Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets

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