Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.

The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.

ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU

ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES

Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”

The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking

[getting up to speak at a funeral even though I didn’t know the person that well but I want to show off my new shirt] sometimes your mail man is more than just a mail man

Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.

Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*

If I had The Force I’d just use it to open pistachios

Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.

Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.

I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.

A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.

imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it

I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.

yeah that 16 month gap in my resume is the time i spent in the woods in new hampshire where eventually god revealed to me that my purpose in life is to be a wealth manager here at wells fargo 🙂

[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach

It’s so cute that you’re nervous

[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?

Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice

DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch

Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.

“I have toddler-like reflexes.”

“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”

*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*

“No.”

ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits

I’d like to meet the person who decided that if you wanted to get married fast it had to be done by Elvis

[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”

me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches

them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest

Need this in my life lol

Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread

You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.

Cop: Hey U!

U: who, me?

Cop: no the other 1!

1: who, me?

Cop: both of U!

W: who, us?

Cop: Yes you!

U: Who, me?

Cop: No!

No: yes?

* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *