I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
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My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
if you have a disgusting hacking cough ask your doctor if the seat directly across from me on the bus is right for you
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
Shouldn’t autocorrect be called autoassume?
Please, I am begging you.
Stop looking at weird sh*t on your company-issued laptops.
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit