Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”

Thought “alright musical theatre queen”

Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x

“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”

I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.

I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.

[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.

GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.

ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.

Birds shit on us because we tweet better.

“It’s the most wonderful crime of the year!” I crooned running away with the pot of Santa’s donations.

I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic

FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?

ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.

philosophy professor: you must question everything

[later]

me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit

It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??

I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.

I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.

I’m going to run errands, need anything?

“Yes, some new light bulbs”

Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?

“And a good divorce lawyer”

Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.

If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?

Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…

Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.

Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.

Me: go get em tiger!

Tiger: *mauls everyone*

Her: I’m an only child

Me: There are literally billions of children

ME: I’d like to return this

CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?

ME: I bought it here

CLERK: At Old Navy?

ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!

CLERK:

ME: Store credit, then?

microwave: gonna cook it

me: no please. just defrost the chicken.

microwave: ok i’ll do both

Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.

A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.

The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge

Please, if you ever offer me a snack and I say no, ask me again, I didn’t mean it the first time

My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.

JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶

ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??

JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶

ME: Ah. Carry on.

America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.

Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam

a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?