I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
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(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
What’s your favorite song about not being able to touch this?
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
Unfair that the older I get, the clearer photo quality gets.
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”