I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
You Might Also Like
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
Me: What did you learn on your first day back to school?
Granddaughter: Not enough. They said I have to go back tomorrow.
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*