I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
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who wants to go expliring
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
Dance like you’re not the father
ME: I took a bus tour of the the city today.
WIFE: Oh really. How did it go?
ME: The driver turned the ignition and pressed down on the gas.
HER: Get out.
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.