I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
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My wife is napping quietly and the villain of this story is about to be this sneeze.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
Bootstraps
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
Brouhaha (noun): the feeling of joy upon discovering someone has made you a cup of tea.
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
Boy never ceases to amaze me
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again