Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.

People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.

🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣

I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators

“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors

I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.

*must be why I’m single

I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?

[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]

Me: do you take requests?

Him: yes!

Me: can you stop playing?

Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.

Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”

Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?

Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.

It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.

[reading The Night Before Christmas]

son: what’s a kerchief?

daughter: what’s a clatter?

son: what’s a sash?

daughter: what are coursers?

son: what’s soot?

daughter: what’s a peddler?

son: what’s a thistle?

me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.

ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.

Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings

ME: [standing in the rain]

STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella

ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.

You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic

I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven

When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.

When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.

Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.

My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years

Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years

Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol

Me: come on what if we say it at the same time

Interviewer: ok deal

Me: ok, 3..2..1

In sync: making furniture for hamsters

Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.

Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.

I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.

Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺

said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it

All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child