I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
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I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
Alaska’s Passive Aggressive Map of the USA
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
