Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: Our system thinks you might be a robot!
Me: Okay, cool can I just pay my electric bill anyway though?

Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.

Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die

[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016

2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son

*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*

Well, there’s always next year

*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*

I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.

Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.

Going to change my wifi network name to…

Someone Please Help Me

And give this neighborhood something to talk about.

Breaking news:

I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality

me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude

me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude

Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”

I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.

[3 years from now]

I can’t believe it’s still 2020.

An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.

One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.

Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him

Therapist: Not a bad thing

Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan

*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*

sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number

My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.

I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow

My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.

I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.

Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣

every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place

Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.

You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.

bartender: what’s wrong with you

best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast

bartender: well that’s excessive-

best man: mike is the groom

Mine in the November 4, 2024 issue of The New Yorker

MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?