I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
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Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
What personal space?
My dog
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now