@LuvPug

I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti

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@TheRolo

Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t

@sad_tree

*literally any business fails*

journalist: ahh yes, the millennials

@ericonederful

I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.

@MaraWilson

Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on

@david8hughes

My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.

@alive_and_dying

One day, when you least expect it, every single one of your problems will finally be gone. Oddly enough, so will you.

@dog_feelings

the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce

@LuckoftheDraw86

*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*

Yeah. That’s do-able.

@shatterpants

If Kung Fu Panda taught me anything, it’s that obese people can be accepted…so long as they know kung fu.