I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti

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[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”


Kid: Trick or treat?

Me: How old are you?


His dad: 4 years old

Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall


*spends 4 hours applying sunscreen to kids
*kids play outside for 7 minutes


Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.

Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.


{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok


Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.


A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.



My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]

Also my demon: there will be cookies

Me: say no more!


me: [trying to impress date] i have a PHD… a pretty huge d-

her: Don’t say it, im leaving


me: *feeding my enormous dolphin* sorry buddy, i guess she doesn’t like dolphins


[To Police Sketch Artist]

Me: “Black female…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”

Sketch Artist:…

Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”