I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti

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Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t


*literally any business fails*

journalist: ahh yes, the millennials


I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.


Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on


My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.


One day, when you least expect it, every single one of your problems will finally be gone. Oddly enough, so will you.


the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce


*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*

Yeah. That’s do-able.


If Kung Fu Panda taught me anything, it’s that obese people can be accepted…so long as they know kung fu.