[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
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Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
*spends 4 hours applying sunscreen to kids
*kids play outside for 7 minutes
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
me: [trying to impress date] i have a PHD… a pretty huge d-
her: Don’t say it, im leaving
me: *feeding my enormous dolphin* sorry buddy, i guess she doesn’t like dolphins
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”