I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
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true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good