@LuvPug
@EJGomez
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
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@EJGomez
@ArfMeasures
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
@EvilLordBacon
*spends 4 hours applying sunscreen to kids
*kids play outside for 7 minutes
@ThePocketJustin
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
@AmericanGent69
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
@TheGrimKing
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
@eddiesteadyno
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
@solsayswhaaa
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
@coryrichardson_
me: [trying to impress date] i have a PHD… a pretty huge d-
her: Don’t say it, im leaving
[later]
me: *feeding my enormous dolphin* sorry buddy, i guess she doesn’t like dolphins
@WheelTod
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”