I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
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Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
So proud of my daughter for getting the lead role in The Tempest. Today’s performances will be during homework and bedtime.
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
Found the book “How to solve half your problems.” So I bought two of them.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
PARKOUR
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov