I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
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No thanks, guy selling ribeyes from a box truck in the mall parking lot. I learned my lesson from the “Shrimp purchased from the trunk of a Corolla parked on the side of the road” incident of 1997.
I think my first day working for Microsoft is going really well.
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
My problem areas are my upper arms & earth
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
Not my fess but my dentists. As a kid I hated cleaning my teeth, my dentist asked for a few mins to explain it to me, dad left us alone. Dentist pulled out pliers and proper threatened to pull all my teeth out if I had one single cavity next appointment. It worked. Psycho.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.