I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
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Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
I had a weird smell once…
A rodent crawled up under my car and got into the heat/air unit and died there.
I was trying to use my AC and blowing dead animal air at myself.
You know how long it takes to get rid of hot dead rotting rat smell?
3 months. Three
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear