I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
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My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
Working as an office assistant is fun. They will be like “Please schedule a meeting with these six people. Keep in mind that none of them are available to meet, ever.”
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
Active voice: “I love your article”
Passive voice: “Your article is loved”
Passive-aggressive voice: “I love the potential this article had”
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
Babe, what’s wrong? You’ve hardly touched your Wallace and Gromelette.
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you