I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
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Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
I can’t stop laughing at this
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.