I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
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If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
💀
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.