I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
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The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
Those who believe in only 12.5% of the bible are eighthiests.
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
You should always wear a helmet if you ride a motorcycle, bicycle or ski or talk about politics.
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
It’s Friday the 13th and there’s a dude outside my door wearing a hockey mask but he’s also selling Girl Scout Cookies, so you see the problem
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
I wish I loved anything as much as people love to say they are “thrilled” on Linkedin. Dial it back people, no one in the history of the workforce has ever been thrilled about anything.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
Nobody told me that it takes 1-2 business days to put a snow outfit on a toddler
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.