I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
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You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly.
Because communication is key.
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*