I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
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Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
A manager I worked with when I worked in fast food told us.
There was this one kid who didn’t show up for work. He ditched work often, so the manager called around, and couldn’t get anyone to fill in his shift, so she had to fill it for him.
A few hours into his shift, the dude ditching SHOWS UP, with his friends, and orders food from that manager. She fired him on the spot
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
🤣🤣🤣🤣
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
Do not levitate over flowers
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it