I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
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My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
I’m having an out of money experience.
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.