Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back

so I asked him to move.

You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell

date: i like a guy who’s strong-

me: i can bench 130 lbs

date: enough to tell the truth

me: on the moon

[tarot reader looks at my cards]

you’re gonna die clonking your head on something

[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?

Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”

Me: “Feel?”

Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?

Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT

It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.

My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.

Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]

in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”

I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan

What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?

Same middle name.

[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”

My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.

Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?

Me: idk, two, three hours?

Cop: you have fifteen minutes

Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude

Cop:

Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner

All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.

You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.

why does this picture look like abed accidentally transported into gilmore girls and not that the actor is actually in this scene

A haunted house but it’s just people making different mouth noises in every room

This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me

One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.

“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.

I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.

[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned

Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway

I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.

If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.

God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.