I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
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I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
Hey
@Boeing
, my neighbor Gary that mows at 8 am, is saying a lot of bad things about your company. DM me for address.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
me: more teeth
dentist: what
me: *recording video* no skimping now
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
congratulations to them
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
I was an ugly baby.
It’s been downhill since then.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like