I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
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mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
ah yes….my favourite videogame
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
My Spanish may not be great, but I know a good chimney chain guh when I taste one.
Blocked: 1985
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
yes, national anxiety is high, but at least it also gets dark at 4pm
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it