I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
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“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
Good morning
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
Once I dreamt I’d pissed the bed and when I woke up I had. So never let people tell you dreams can’t come true.
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.