I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
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RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
I have to find a way to get in on one of those government programs where they spend $1.7 billion dollars and wind up planting like 7 trees
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
when i’m president, i will add an additional hour between 6 and 7pm
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
Worst Native American name ever.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.