Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.

I couldn’t live off of that celery.

Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh

Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.

Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural

Me: this tape is itchy

Drug Dealer: what

Me: what

I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.

I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.

I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.

*tries to turn on TV*

TV: I have a boyfriend

cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it

dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me

Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do

Google: Call 911

Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE

If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.

“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.

Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training

Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.

I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco

if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”

FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*

two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second

911, what’s your emergency?

Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand

Are you left handed?

No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button

Okay but why are you whispering?

I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel

*Hour 3 in the trampoline park*

My oldest has said “watch this” 212 times

My youngest is running wild in a pack of feral six-year-olds

A woman screams in the distance “Jaden, Jaxon”

There is still no bar

A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge

[daughter going on a date]

ME: I want her back at 9

DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22

ME: you were cuter at 9

“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”

-Trees

My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.

This is a bad sign

Growing out my freckles.

Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.

WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:

•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.

I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.

me: i wish i could have sex before i die

genie: granted

me: [873 years old] motherfu

i like to flex on them by shrugging