Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-

[documentary on bees]

“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”

the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam

Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434

Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0

any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time

Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.

The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.

me making someone eat a chip with my mind

We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month

Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.

hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list

Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows

9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.

Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?

9: what?

Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?

9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!

Me: are you nervous?

9: stop!!!

It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.

My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample

I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭

[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]

I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*

*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day

GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language

BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand

BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent

the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one

I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.

I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.

I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.

CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢

What happens when a hippie marries a mime? Peace and quiet.

Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*

Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?

3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself

NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.

[God making African animals]

Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.

Sleepy cop goes undercover, under blankets, onto pillow, next to teddy bear.