I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
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Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
Hunter Biden implies the existence of Gatherer Biden
Our doorbell is broken so we called someone over to fix it. He might be here already. There’s no way to tell.
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
one thing about September, everyday is about 5 people’s birthday 😭😭
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
Pretty much. 🤣
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
I have many caverns
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
Just opened 3 birthday cards and so far I have 80 bucks.
I love being a postman.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
a depressed madame curie is a sighentist.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.