Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Realtor: this house is cursed

Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no

Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE

Me: oh ok

Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices

Me: Oh No

When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.

I’m sticking to my guns.

I really should have washed my hands after I ate.

Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.

[Married pillow-talk]

Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.

This woman is my idol. Free her.

Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.

Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.

Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.

‘m developing a new fragrance for introverts

It’s called “Leave me the fuh cologne”

I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.

My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.

We’re prime-mates.

I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.

We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair

I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.

I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point

My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.

Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.

I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit

her: are u excited for the next Star Wars

me: [sweating] did we win the last one

“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”

Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.

Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.

I wish this was real life…

April showers? Big whoop, so do I.

Well, that should do it

Seriously, soup?

If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.

[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies

Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.

Me: cute infant you have there

Mary: thanks

Me: so tender and mild

Mary: …w-what