Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d walk over cotton balls for you

When your best mate counts as a desk too

Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?

Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.

just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair

Me: I’d kill for a donut

Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead

Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes

Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs

*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy

Got lectured today from my doctor about my glucose level. I knew I should’ve studied more for that blood test.

Him: How’d you get so cute?

Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.

Stop me if you’ve heard this already.

-said no kid ever

Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?

This is God thanking them for bacon.

ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?

KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!

ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it

If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.

[Therapy]

Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”

Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”

I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.

ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”

Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.

– things my BF and Uber driver say to me

Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here

Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.

No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.

I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps

every. time.

I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards

date: i like a guy who’s strong-

me: i can bench 130 lbs

date: enough to tell the truth

me: on the moon

Oh your baby’s name is Walter?

Is he close to retirement?

SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school

ME: What’s that?

SON: A big building with lots of kids

Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices

White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.

I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.

This isn’t going to end well for you.

– me, alone in the house, to the loaf of banana bread on the counter