I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
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wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions