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Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
All I want for Christmas is my gross pay
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
stages of moving house
1. omg i have so much stuff i’m so stressed
2. wait i don’t have that much left i’ll be fine
3. omg i have way more stuff than i thought
4. fuck. the kitchen
Welcome
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
A banana just sold at an art auction for $6.2 million, so if our custodian still hasn’t thrown out that orange someone left in one of our study rooms last week, we may never have to do a capital campaign again.
Hey sorry I cant make it tonight. I am beset on all sides by foes
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.