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If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
Jesus Christ lmao
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.