Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.

Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.

People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:

1. Colonialists
2. Sisters

If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.

her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes

You had me at “define legal”.

Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.

HR: Get out

The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.

Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.

My New Year’s resolutions:

1. Stop making lists.

B. Be more consistent.

7. Learn to count.

“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”

– Me, camping

I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator

Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.

You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!

[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips

At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.

Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.

If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”

i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice

*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes

Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.

i once fainted from a paper cut so if jigsaw puts me in a trap that’s a wrap. rip.

*Calling from the bakery

Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”

Her: “Surprise me!”

Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”

Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.

i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha

me: I need to buy a train ticket

employee: window or aisle

me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what

My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.

[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys

*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*

me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment

boyfriend: