Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?

“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”

See? My son can turn water into whine, too.

Your move, God.

A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?

I said, Kindergarten.

I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait

Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate

Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand

H: I can’t eat chocolate

Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*

I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh

5: I’m bad at this puzzle

Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!

5: yeah, because you’re bad at it

Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.

Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.

Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.

I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.

Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces

My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.

Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.

I just told my husband I found a giant active wasp nest in our backyard and he said “I know! I saw that a few days ago!” so we got to have a lecture about “see something, say something.”

🤦🏻‍♀️😂😂

My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean

I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces

At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”

ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done

If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.

coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way

me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding

[two years ago]

me: planet with the rings?

google: S͟a͟t͟u͟r͟n – Wikipedia

[now]

me: does italy exist

google: nope.

Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….

I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.

The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET

Pro tip: Turn any sofa into a sofa bed by telling your girl to calm down.

A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.

congratulations to them