I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
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8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
With prices going up and wages staying the same, I want to share some important information with you all. I know a place where you can still get gas for under $4
Taco Bell
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
My family gathered to speak to me about my obsession with the Greek gods. Call it divine intervention.
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”