Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing

People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.

Sledding is the best! (until you have to walk back up the hill)

I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.

How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”

If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.

*only works at Home Depot

I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye

Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.

my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*

when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions

My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.

Grant me the supernatural ability to change the things I cannot accept.

The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.

Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.

Architects should try and design a house with no yelling

I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.

I went to the car park. There were no slides or swings. My car just sat there. Sad.

Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.

customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames

Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period

judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth

me: no

judge: [covers mic] what do I do

Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?

Yoda:

Luke:

Yoda:

Luke:

Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.

“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”

“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”

I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm

Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.

Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.

I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo

starting conversations with short people by saying “back when i was your height…”

Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.

Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.

Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.