I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
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Kay’s emergency department tape rule:
If a farmer shows up with electrical tape on something, it absolutely needs sutures.
If it’s duct tape, it needs surgery.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
Me, as a cicada: Guys we all have to stop talking at the same time.
Love is always patient and kind.
bruh why was i singing a song in the uber and the driver was like “nah u havin too much fun” and changed the song ????😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm