I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
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I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control.
But cases continue to rise.
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
The same fruit bar has been going back and forth in my kid’s lunch for so long that at this point it’s load-bearing
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
My dog learned how to text
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40