Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Ahh finally, some sleep

My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?

Me: Goddamnit

Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…

3: I hit you in the head with the shovel

me: um, no thank you

3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle

I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.

I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.

sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like a little treat from your past self, sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like it was planned by a malevolent buffoon, hellbent on crushing your morale

Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress

two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???

2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 Single

Reward me for consistency please

I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.

i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit

I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…

For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.

I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.

COP: Tell me what you saw

ME: Jersey Boys

COP: *sighs* at the crime scene

ME: No, at the theatre

“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.

I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.

Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.

Who did it better?

The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.

Dear God, woman. Not the cake!

Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.

Friends come and friends go.

Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.

And the ones that bring beer.

friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?

If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.

:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”

i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle

Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.

Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.

I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.

Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy