I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
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Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
This forever.
Don’t make me out nice you.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
I hope this email finds you in the paradise city where the grass is green and the girls are pretty.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction