Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!

-my baby

me: your honor, the defense rests.

judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.

I just ate the last piece of cheese in the fridge and it’s cloudy outside.

🎶 Ain’t no sunshine when cheese gone.

the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING

In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:

1) Going on vacation

2) Taking my family

Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.

Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.

Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.

ME: I want a koi swimming downstream

TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?

ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth

My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”

My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”

Hansel and Gretel is my favourite childhood story about cooking an old lady in an oven

[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]

Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.

5 year old: *cries*

It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”

What a random, consistent, coincidence

I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.

Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out

“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”

The right person will know this subtweet is about them.

Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?

Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.

An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough

I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.

me: I need a new shirt

stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?

“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.

“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”

[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna

Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.

Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently

I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.

So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.

Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite

As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.