I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
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“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
Look guys if The NY Times wanted to be serious journalism they wouldn’t have pivoted so hard into cooking and games, ok?
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
water it, i dare you
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
They were playing soft rock in the bank earlier so I called it ‘Debt Metal’ lol and then the teller stabbed me in the hand with her pen.
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
my mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
we all know this pain all too well
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.