I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
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*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
i feel so bad i refunded him
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.