Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!

I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.

Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.

Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.

In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.

I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.

Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!

Friend without kids: I’m so tired.

Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK

I went to the candle store today.

They were having a blowout sale.

This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.

The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.

Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough

I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.

[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people

The therapist said to try deep breathing under water?

My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home

Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*

This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.

A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.

LOIS: look! up in the sky!

JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!

BABY: *opens wide*

Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life

Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.

Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.

so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.

One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.

BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.

He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.

Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture

*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever

Jus’ sayin. 😐

I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.

Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..