Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.

when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”

I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.

I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party

If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges

My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.

Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them

If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.

The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.

Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert

Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.

repaired

Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?

*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.

[at swimming pool]

Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem

EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore

Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.

Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.

waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?

me: no no I’ve eaten food before

kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that

I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”

I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.

People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.

Me: this a rush song?

Bartender: yeah, you a fan?

Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*

If reports from this daisy are accurate, she loves me not.

ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here

HIM: Nothing is happening

ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon

When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.

I’m going to remember this night forever!!!

Tequila – You sure about that?

Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”

Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.

Thanks. It’s my face. lol